With the lyrical voice of Joss Stone making me smile, I wanted to write about this to center myself. A very good friend of mine has sort of infected me with this thing known of as being a Gleek. The television show on Fox, Glee, has kind of become part of my soul. A tiny portion of my personality, dedicated mostly to the "old" me is kind of vomitting in her mouth at the feel-good and "be happy in your own skin" messages, but the mature individual in me appreciates it and treasures the comfort those words can yield to a drifting soul like mine. I could mourn the loss of some decent chunk of my childhood and notions of 100% support, but there's no real point in that. What's in the past, by way of quantum mechanics, is something that I cannot go back to and would gladly not.
Out of the sixteen episodes I watched yesterday and today (I told you it was an infection) one particular bit of inspiration kind of stuck with me. It was the notion of picking an obtainable dream, picturing it in your mind, and finding a way to make that happen. I'm going to be honest here, no reason to lie really anyways, but my dreams as a child growing up (like all children's dreams generally are) weren't firmly rooted in reality. And they existed in a very screwed up sense. People that know me well - and even I - am aware that my behaviour is extremely masculine. This is part because I'm fairly certain that "tomboy" is encoded somewhere in my DNA about 600,000 times (or is alternatively just in my DNA a handful of times and contains a BEAST of a promoter sequence). And the masculine behaviour - at first - started as the distinct need to violently express myself in relation to the women around me. The old logic was "If you act like a boy, talk like a boy, and walk like a boy you're more likely to attract girls". Hush, growing up, I was the only lesbian I knew. Only when I saw Sailor Uranus and Neptune (circa age 11, for me) did I finally figure out that I wasn't the only one. Like some sort of hypochondriac with WebMD, the internet gave me a word for who I was and other people like me. Anyways, I digressed a little. Nowadays I try as much as I can to just be ME. Not a tomboy (though that is a label that is applicable), not a girly-girl. Not anything really.
What all of this was generally leading to was the assertion that my likes and dreams kind of straddle both worlds, so to speak.
I thought about that whole achieveable dream mess, closed my eyes, and the very first thing I saw was the inside of a rustic log cabin. Stone - if not wooden - floors, a roaring fireplace with herbs drying along the mantle, a wolfdog curled up on an area rug, a beautiful - medievally styled - kitchen, and a garage outside with my motorcycle, civie vehicle, and rat rod all inside. Originally, in my youth, I'd envisioned a home full of children and my significant other declaring that I needed to fix the broken dishwasher again (yeah...I know. It's like some sort of domestic horror movie, isn't it?). I treasured the notion of that. In a way, I still kind of do, but I treasure it in the way that one might look fondly upon an old memory or childhood toy.
As of now, I envision no one with me in this little dream, and I'm perfectly okay with that. I've fought, constantly, with codependency (or at least what I felt it was). I HAD to be wanted. I HAD to be needed. I HAD to be loved. I don't NEED that anymore, though I do WANT it. The paralyzing notion of being completely relationship-less, isn't all that paralyzing anymore.
There are certain people, whose name or names shall not be mentioned, that I love very much. But I will not throw myself head-first into anything anymore. I want to take my time and I want to just be me for the time being.
Though the dream I mentioned above is complex, it is possible; however, there are steps I need to take in order to get there. The first of which being that I need to graduate from college and find a job - relatively simultaneously. There's a sort of ticking clock set for my future, in the form of my sibling's high school graduation. She's got two years, but when she's gone, I have to be gone too. I need a tiny nest egg for that and a standing job.
I guess I've asserted everything that I really wanted to when I started this, but I wanna say this:
I'm a girl that loves cheap beer (especially Mexican) as much as she loves a gourmet cheesecake. My favourite cereal ever is fruity pebbles. Theatre flipped my entire personality inside out and my biology degree has helped me fully realize the rest of myself. Only one person has ever made me cry happily (twice) because they made me feel so treasured. I want to to travel the world. I love romantic comedies and chick flicks as much as I love a good werewolf or vampire movie. I envy the physique of MMA fighter "Mega" Megumi and yearn to look like her. I want at least two motorcycles ( a Triumph and an Indian) but will settle for one if I have to. I'm more at hope out in the woods than I am in a city. I want to learn how to shave with a straight razor, just because they're so awesome and old school. I have my entire back reserved for tattoos. I guess I'll just finish with the wacky notion that I think I'm a Log Cabin Republican.
Yes
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