Inspired by watching Food Inc.

I have a draft saved up that is about depression and I was going to post that today, but it needs to be tweaked; besides, it's gloriously sunny out and I'm sitting in the sunroom contentedly drinking my earl grey tea sweetened with local honey (picturesque and hippie-rific, isn't it?).  I have no reason to truly think about depression right now.

I watched the documentary Food Inc., last night and I have to admit that it was at least a hair eye-opening.  I'm not going to blindly follow all of the facts like a lemming and end up aggressively ranting at politicians.  Idiots do that.  Nothing in this world is as black and white as any of us would ever love it to be.

It's not pleasant for most people to think about - in fact, most people don't nowadays - but we are evolved killers.  Somewhere along the lines of our distant past, an ape-like relative of ours looked at another animal and decided that it was fit for consumption.  We can still eat vegetables and fruits and grains, but there is a part of us, however small (evident in our canines and sheering teeth) that is dedicated to ripping the flesh off of another animal.  Our greatest advantage is not just simply our brains, but that we're also the best long-distance runners in the animal kingdom.  That is, when we bother working out any more.  We would presumably use this gift of ours to not only know how the animals would run, but we would be able to outrun them, driving them to exhaustion and then taking them down.  Almost a case of "slow and steady wins the race".

Meat, at one point in our history, was a treasure.  Lots of effort and manpower (hush up, I'm not being sexist) went into tracking deer or elk and then killing one. The easiest thing for our body to burn through is sugars (carbohydrates break down into sugars), shortly followed by proteins, and then the last thing for us to break apart is fat.  When you eat vegetables, fruits, or grains your body gets valuable carbohydrates, fibers, sugars, and vitamins out of them.  Only a fair amount of protein is avaiable in nuts and beans.  Fat is an extremely minor portion of this part of our diet.  ENTER meat.  Though most of our four-legged and finned meals were lean in the past (fish are still lean, in case you're wondering XD) , they still had higher percentages of fat and protein than anything we encountered growing off of bushes and out of the ground.  If you stockpiled meat or consumed lots of it, your body... for lack of anything better to say, ate it up.  There are studies of nutrition that have revealed that our bodies LOVE fat when given the opportunity to consume it.  Think french fries or burgers or even a steak.  The amount of fat and protein in that food is what makes it a delicious thing to eat.  You're thinking "hey, french fries aren't meat!". Good job on you for paying attention, this is where frying food in fats and then serving them helps make them delicious.


I give our distant relatives a real thumbs up for figuring out domestication of livestock.  I do.  It's a tribute to our ingenuinty to be able to take a critter and over time, turn it into a readily available food source.  Who wants to run for days and risk substantial injury to kill anything if they don't have to? (If you're a freak like me - and a few other actual athletes out there - you want to take the risk)  Domesication was the very first step, but now, we're adding a whole new layer to this supposed foundation.

In the last several decades, we've genetically-modified, vaccinated, antibiotic-ed, and all around altered our animals to suit us.  I understand it, I totally do.  Or at least, I understand the drive to do this.  If you could have a chicken that was fast, hard to catch and small....or one that was HUGE and easy to catch...which would you prefer?

To view laziness as a horrible and nasty thing is to be a little harsh on ourselves.

99.9% of all life on this planet, from bacteria to plants to animals (yes, that includes us), do everything possible to make life easy on themselves and hell on everything else that tries to get in their way.   Opportunistic infections take place when it is "comfortable" for the bacteria and hell on your body, likewise your body in tip-top shape, makes it virtually impossible for anything to set up anywhere unless it benefits you (e.g, our relationship with benign E. coli).  To look at the production of food and see "they are just abusing the animals to get better profit" and nothing else, is to do the whole system an injustice.  You can very, very easily take that stance and stand with it, but one must also think about what has been done for centuries and centuries before us.  Even before people truly understood Mendellian inheritance, they knew that if you bred a muscular bull with a beefy cow, you'd get potentially more meat in that next generation.  Repeat this process over and over and you can modify the animal to suit what is needed.  This very same process was used to create high-yielding and bug-resistant crops.  What has happened now, is the very same thing that is happening with communications and medicine...exponential leaps in what could be called developement.

I say "exponential leaps in development" and mean it in a purely technical sense, not to create some sort of illusion as to how amazing we are as a species.  I like to think of us as a very clever way to answer the problems that all other species face.  In cellular technology, it's easy to not get upset so long as the batteries last and none of the parts of the cell phone can somehow cause cancer.  With computers it's very easy to do the exact same thing.  Medicine... "hey, it may be expensive, but it saves your life".  I have my own particular loathing for the medical system, but I'll leave that for another day.  With animals, the biggest difference is that it is another organism that we can see moving and we can hear its cries when distressed.  The microorganisms we carefully alter in labs can't squeal like a pig can.  Nor can the computer's whirring hard drive really bother us.  In certain parts of the world, chickens retain their sleek physique and ability to fly.  Yes, chickens used to fly.  But the ones that exist in farms have been bred and altered so that they can barely walk under the weight of their own developing flesh.  We sympathize with this because we have an imagination that allows us to "feel" the amount of pain that they're in.

So stepping back from that and trying to avoid emotional language, as any species, we do what we can to avoid expending a lot of effort for a little bit of product.

Not one thing in this world is good or evil - in a theological sense.   Good and Evil do not exist and no act on this world is inherently composed of either.

There is "what feels good" and "what feels bad".  It may be preprogrammed into our genetics (I know, cop out) to have some sort of varying moral code.  BUT I used the term "moral code" in reference to a program that lets us know "what feels good" and "what feels bad".  We aren't the only creatures in this world that can feel pain, nor are we the only ones that mourn the loss of a relative or pack/pride/troup member.

When we lose a vital bond or a connection to another, we not only lose a source of emotional support, but we lose a very valuable resource.

We aren't even the only critters capable of sympathy.  You know of at least one person that has had a pet (cat, dog, or otherwise) that was able to sense when their owner was down and did what they could in their own way, to fix it.  This sounds like an idealistic sort of animal-lover thought.  For some of you it could be, but for me, it's paying attention to the abilities of another species in comparison to us.  We may have answered our problems with a developed brain and walking upright, but big cats answered the same problem with fangs and group hunting.  We aren't that different.

I've kind of meandered a little, but what I was attempting to get it at is that the only reason why mass animal slaughter and modification bothers any of us, is 100% pure sympathy.  Sympathy that may very well be programmed into us at a genetic level, but ignored or programmed out with societal demands.

I have considered, in the last several weeks, becoming a vegetarian.  With consideration and some thoughtfulness, I've come to the decision that I could never fully embrace that lifestyle.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, but for me, it is something that just won't work with that I know about myself and what I know about biology.  I'd say that I believe I am intended to be an omnivore, but that would infer some sort of lack of knowledge and to simply base my dietary concerns on faith.

Despite not transitioning completely over to vegetarianism, I am going to put forth genuine effort into consuming more fruits and vegetables and consume less meat, though when I do, I'll attempt to purchase organic meat.  I'm not naive when it comes to even "organic" meat though,  I know better than to assume a picturesque farm with animals roaming freely - though I'd love to hope for that.

Hmmm... anything else?

Nah, I'm going to just call it done.  I have to brew some more tea anyways.

"Think Before You Speak"

I was going to wait until Monday - turn this blog into a "bloggy Monday" sort of thing - but a couple of things have been said to me tonight that have kind of spurred on a writing frenzy.

A lot of different names could be used to describe who I am and what I am.  Female.  Woman.  Blonde. Short. Stocky. Tiny. Muscular.  Tomboy.  Biology Major.  Daughter. Sister.  Best friend.  Adventurous.  Loud.  Crude.

There are a few more that I'm omitting that just seem to bother me nowadays:

Lesbian.  Dyke.   Carpetmuncher.  Butch.  Boi.

A few of those terms were used when I was a little bit younger and I even used to joke about them.

The thing is, I'm fed up with the undercurrent that runs in those words.  Not once have I ever felt any sort of security or love in the term "lesbian".  Even less (even hateful) with the word "dyke".  I can call myself a woman and be happy - even proud.  I can call myself "loud" and laugh about it.  I can even rock "tomboy".

"Lesbian" may indeed be what I am, but most of the time, some part of me cringes when I call myself that (or others for that matter).

It doesn't feel like a nice word anymore.

A word is an utterance, containing one or more syllables of sound, and is produced by a mixture of the vibration of the vocal cords and a specific position of the lips, cheeks, and tongue to form these sounds.

"Lesbian" is created by scooping the tongue in a near-clicking motion, a brief moment of your lips coming together in a movement similar to a pucker, and a brief pressure of the tongue on the roof of the mouth.  (In some parts of the country you may form the word in a different portion of your mouth, but for my southern American English, this is a close approximation).

How is it then, that a series of muscle movements and air, has so much impact?

I have ALWAYS believed firmly that words have no meaning without intent.  And the intent of the words describing people like me - possible biological hiccups - isn't all that great.

So where then, does this rambling discussion leave me?

I have no pride in my sexuality.  It exists and it is a desire and a bodily function.

Does it change the way I interact with people?

More or less.  But I delineate myself in a way that is entirely unnecessary when I identify myself as "lesbian".  Logically-speaking, it's a necessary distinction.  Mother Nature/a fluke of development has left me with something stuck halfway between male and female.  I think, for the most part, like a tomboyish woman.  But when it comes to what I find attractive, I suppose it could be said that that part of me is male in orientation.

But does my sexuality have to change the way I completely socialize with people?

It shouldn't have to.  My own insecurities about my interactions with people are what divide me from them.

My sexuality doesn't change the fact that I really wanna play rugby because it looks like it'd be a whole lot of (possibly bloody) fun.  Being a "lesbian" does nothing to the facts that I grew up surrounded by amazing family and I have astonishing people in my life on a daily basis.

Science is still trying to fully define - to figure out exactly - what being homosexual is.  Homosexuality exists in other members of the animal kingdom and has existed throughout history in our own species.  In some cases, it's as easy as claiming that a primitive part of the brain responsible for sexual development has been flip-flopped.  In other cases, it's the choice of the person to walk a path they feel pushed onto, or even curious about.

Our higher thinking, as humans, gives us way too much depth to truly sort out a simple "yes or no" or "black or white" answer.  I tend to eat my own foot when I say "never" but, I think that sexuality - and the words we use to describe it - are in the eye of the beholder.  Life is an individual journey and we all take things different ways.

Maybe I'll get over it, but my feelings about being called "lesbian" or "dyke" or anything else, may just evolve with time.

Do I believe that there is love out there, so astoundingly perfect that gender or sex doesn't matter? Yes.

Do I believe that a vast majority of love is a breathtakingly beautiful set of complex chemical reactions and risk analysis designed on designating a perfect or near-perfect mate? Yes.

I think I may be done now.  There's a point in here somewhere.....I think.

A start

Let me start this whole deal with one of those awesome, "fuck you" disclaimers:

This blog will contain my thoughts and my opinions on all kinds of topics and almost all portions of daily life.  If anything I EVER say in this blog offends you and you feel like saying something in irritation, do me and yourself a solid favour, and click that little "exit" button on your browser or tab.  This blog is for me to discuss certain aspects of my life, but the names of people will never be mentioned in this.  Nor will I ever attack them.  There is nothing more irritating to me than being defamed on internet behind my back - or people that do it to others.

If I've experienced anything in my life, it's the familiar taste of my own foot. I'm young (only 23 for those of you that care), but already I've experienced a virtual 180 degree turn-around with half of the things that came flying out of my mouth in high school and my first couple years of college.  Ignorant things.

Little more than eight years ago, I would've laughed in somebody's face had they walked up to me and said I was to become a gym-addicted, almost-vegetarian(let's face it, like all Southern Americans, I have a love-hate relationship with bacon), biology major - with the hopes of eventually getting a Masters and then a Doctorate in something medically related.

But then again, lots of things can happen in eight years.

In that time:

I've found out that my mother suffers from paranoid schizophrenia; my parents - who had been married 23 years - divorced; I came out; I have fallen in love - a handful of times; I graduated from high school; I got into college; I've had five jobs; I've seen my mother bottom-out twice; a dear friend died; my father found love again; my dog died --

You know what?  That started meandering towards a 'pity party'.  I don't do 'pity parties'.  Congratulations, life hasn't gone perfect, stand up and keep going.

"stand up and keep going"

I don't honestly remember who it was and I don't feel like Googling or Youtubing it at the moment, but there was a gentleman I remembered from a Parkour/Freerunning video; he said something about Parkour and/or Freerunning was about taking what obstacles were infront of you and continuously moving forward.  If you fall, get up and keep moving, but never stop.

That kind of thinking has been what has been urging me to continue at the gym, to work harder in my classes, and to fight to get what I want and need out of life.

I have ALWAYS struggled with depression.  It looms behind my shoulder like some sort of irritating shadow.  To say that I'm continously moving forward, does not mean that I'm running from my depression or from my past.   My past was the reason why I grew up (hell, I'm still growing up).  My depression was how I learned how to treasure my life and all it had to offer.

I've suddenly skidded to a mental halt.  Crap.

That's what I get for listening to fairly addictive pop music while trying to type anything.

Well.....hm.  Let's try getting back on track with theatre.  Not many of the people in my life, I've known long enough for them to know what I was like before technical theatre in high school.  I truly owe theatre, as a subject and as an experience, virtually everything in my personality right now.  When I was younger, I was a nervous and quiet young girl.  It didn't take much for me to suck myself into my little turtle shell and hide from the world.  To this day, I remember the instant that a playbook was dropped into my hands and I was told to "run the show".  Scared the ever-living out of me at first.  I have no idea how, or when exactly, that I changed, but I call it my "personality inversion".  I refuse to hide anymore and if some of you haven't noticed, I tend to be the loudest and crudest person in public.  I love being loud and I love the attention.

 Now why is someone, who was so dedicated to theatre, a biology major at an engineering school?  As superficial or shallow as some of you may think it to be, it all boils down to money.  Or at least it did initially.  I couldn't afford to go anywhere else and after attempting to major in computer science and graphic design (One of these two topics I did HORRIBLE in.  I'll give yout wo guesses and the first one doesn't count), biology was the next best thing for me.  It filled in all of the missing gaps in my personality and allowed me to use the "other side" of my brain.

I had, probably the best introduction biology professor I could've ever hoped for, and science - for the first time - was a magickal and amazing thing.  I don't know as much as a doctor does and my education is ongoing, but I know enough to appreciate that I am LITERALLY a new person on a cellular level every 120 days (give or take) and that a cell, smaller than the head of a pin, contains just about three meters of DNA.  Beautiful stuff.  Biology captivates me probably about as much as Romeo and Juliet or Lysistrata.

Life is an ongoing process.  For every last one of us.  This blog will be an ongoing process (hopefully one that I'll keep up with) just like my training at the gym is.  I'm nowhere near where I need to be to start doing tricks for freerunning or parkour, but I'm working towards it - steadily.

I'm going to cut myself off right now, if I don't stop right now, I'll keep going.