"Think Before You Speak"

I was going to wait until Monday - turn this blog into a "bloggy Monday" sort of thing - but a couple of things have been said to me tonight that have kind of spurred on a writing frenzy.

A lot of different names could be used to describe who I am and what I am.  Female.  Woman.  Blonde. Short. Stocky. Tiny. Muscular.  Tomboy.  Biology Major.  Daughter. Sister.  Best friend.  Adventurous.  Loud.  Crude.

There are a few more that I'm omitting that just seem to bother me nowadays:

Lesbian.  Dyke.   Carpetmuncher.  Butch.  Boi.

A few of those terms were used when I was a little bit younger and I even used to joke about them.

The thing is, I'm fed up with the undercurrent that runs in those words.  Not once have I ever felt any sort of security or love in the term "lesbian".  Even less (even hateful) with the word "dyke".  I can call myself a woman and be happy - even proud.  I can call myself "loud" and laugh about it.  I can even rock "tomboy".

"Lesbian" may indeed be what I am, but most of the time, some part of me cringes when I call myself that (or others for that matter).

It doesn't feel like a nice word anymore.

A word is an utterance, containing one or more syllables of sound, and is produced by a mixture of the vibration of the vocal cords and a specific position of the lips, cheeks, and tongue to form these sounds.

"Lesbian" is created by scooping the tongue in a near-clicking motion, a brief moment of your lips coming together in a movement similar to a pucker, and a brief pressure of the tongue on the roof of the mouth.  (In some parts of the country you may form the word in a different portion of your mouth, but for my southern American English, this is a close approximation).

How is it then, that a series of muscle movements and air, has so much impact?

I have ALWAYS believed firmly that words have no meaning without intent.  And the intent of the words describing people like me - possible biological hiccups - isn't all that great.

So where then, does this rambling discussion leave me?

I have no pride in my sexuality.  It exists and it is a desire and a bodily function.

Does it change the way I interact with people?

More or less.  But I delineate myself in a way that is entirely unnecessary when I identify myself as "lesbian".  Logically-speaking, it's a necessary distinction.  Mother Nature/a fluke of development has left me with something stuck halfway between male and female.  I think, for the most part, like a tomboyish woman.  But when it comes to what I find attractive, I suppose it could be said that that part of me is male in orientation.

But does my sexuality have to change the way I completely socialize with people?

It shouldn't have to.  My own insecurities about my interactions with people are what divide me from them.

My sexuality doesn't change the fact that I really wanna play rugby because it looks like it'd be a whole lot of (possibly bloody) fun.  Being a "lesbian" does nothing to the facts that I grew up surrounded by amazing family and I have astonishing people in my life on a daily basis.

Science is still trying to fully define - to figure out exactly - what being homosexual is.  Homosexuality exists in other members of the animal kingdom and has existed throughout history in our own species.  In some cases, it's as easy as claiming that a primitive part of the brain responsible for sexual development has been flip-flopped.  In other cases, it's the choice of the person to walk a path they feel pushed onto, or even curious about.

Our higher thinking, as humans, gives us way too much depth to truly sort out a simple "yes or no" or "black or white" answer.  I tend to eat my own foot when I say "never" but, I think that sexuality - and the words we use to describe it - are in the eye of the beholder.  Life is an individual journey and we all take things different ways.

Maybe I'll get over it, but my feelings about being called "lesbian" or "dyke" or anything else, may just evolve with time.

Do I believe that there is love out there, so astoundingly perfect that gender or sex doesn't matter? Yes.

Do I believe that a vast majority of love is a breathtakingly beautiful set of complex chemical reactions and risk analysis designed on designating a perfect or near-perfect mate? Yes.

I think I may be done now.  There's a point in here somewhere.....I think.